I Surrender….

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Surrender……….

According to the New Oxford American dictionary, to surrender is to cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority….

Today I decided to do just that. I surrendered to my own delusions. I surrendered to reality, I surrendered to unrequited love…..

In a previous post, I mentioned my divorce and the associated emotions attached to it. I wrote about the pain that manifests, especially around the holidays, and the intense yearning that arose for the three individuals involved, my ex-wife and what were my two step-children…..

Maintaining hope and unshakeable persistence can be virtuous, chivalrous, and honorable. But there’s a point in time when hope must be abandoned in favor of honesty.  One must engage in an honest assessment of matters involving love, romance, and relationships. You have to know when to call it quits, when to gracefully bow out, when to save what’s left of you, so to speak.

Irrespective of whether it’s a friendship, marriage, or casual affair, your self-respect and dignity have to kick in at a certain point…..

LOVE cannot be an imposition, FRIENDSHIP mustn’t resemble an obligation, and a give and take of energies has to be present. RECIPROCATION should be the tell-tale sign of interest, of engagement……

When these elements vanish or exist in short supply, it’s the DIGNITY that I alluded to earlier that saves one from continued pain, torture, and heartbreak. DIGNITY protects you, DIGNITY preserves what remains of you, DIGNITY allows you to move on, to move forward, and RESPECT enables you to allow the same for another…..

Being cognizant of when you’ve truly done all that was in your power to make your presence, intentions, and feelings known is priceless. Learning from past trials and tribulations, even more so…..

In the song Bad Religion, Frank Ocean, expresses what I tried to above, perfectly.

” This unrequited love, To me it’s nothing but a one-man cult”

A one man cult indeed. One in which the solo member hangs on for dear life, blindly existing, the only one fooled by a delusion that everyone on the outside can see right through…..

Surrender that which no longer serves you. It’s funny, I just read this in a book of mine a couple of weeks ago. So profound it was to me that I scribbled it on a piece of paper and tacked it to one of the walls of my bedroom. There to serve as an everyday reminder of what needed to be done….. There to serve as a reminder of my own prolonged insanity…

I surrender not out of scorn for the individual who is at the core of this situation, but out of a desire to let this person, to let these individuals GO…. Out of a desire to comply and to know longer exist as a source of irritation….

Yet HOPE still exists…. But it’s a hope that will serve ME now……

 

I had to get this out. It was a rough one, I kid you not. I slept like absolute shit last night and I guess that was an omen for what would become of the rest of my day. The clouds were back with a vengeance and my mind was caught in between positive anticipation and a fair amount of dread…. BUT, BUT, BUT…. I kept the ship on course and managed to keep the Yoga and Meditation streak alive. I’m okay now considering how things unfolded. I’m okay…….

Take care everyone. Be safe, stay optimistic, stay centered, keep on loving deeply, and remember to take dignified steps……..

Peace,

Alexis

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The Field. Davenport, NY

 

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