These sleepless nights are such beasts. Round two between attempted snoozing and I. Hit the sack early at around 9 p.m after a thirty minute breathing meditation session. More on that later. I mean, Shit! Maybe this insomnia can be attributed to genetics? Partly? I even brewed myself a glass of chai before aiming for some shut-eye. It all simply fell SHORT. I laid down and the rumination began. It went a little something like this….. Did I meditate for long enough? Did I do it right? Did the tea have too much caffeine? Am I going to nail down a new career soon? Am I getting too fat? Will it snow in the Catskills this weekend? Am I worthy of love again? Are my parents ever going to go to sleep? Am I ready to start Lyfting again? Am I attempting too much too soon? When will I fucken fall asleep? Will tomorrow turn out to be a better day? Why am I so aroused? Will I succeed? OCD man. I’ve been like this for years now but I’m hoping this new wellness routine starts to take effect. I know, PATIENCE and CONSISTENCY! I do remind myself often.
Although the quality of my slumber was pitiful, I didn’t feel as sad this morning. Second day in a row that I get up before 1 or 12 p.m. I was up and at’ em at 10. You’re probably saying to yourselves, 10?!!! What a lazy fuck?! But I kindly remind you that for someone attempting the mighty task of exiting a deep depression, a 10 a.m. start is pretty damn badass. Again, after rising I attended to the little things. Shower, teeth, breakfast, coffee. Boom, done! That was followed up by some Catcher In the Rye. Reading is key in keeping your mind not only distracted, but hopefully engaged and entertained. I aim at twenty pages per sitting and locate myself near the corner window that has a view of the street and treetops. They provide a visual break from the book’s text.
Instead of waiting around for the evening I decided to start my Yoga practice early. Why wait? You have to get into the habit of doing things you want or need to do when the time is available least procrastination set in. Dum, Dum, Dum!!!! I put on some Kacey Musgraves, by the way, her latest album Golden Hour, is beautiful. Mind you, I’ve never owned a country music album en mi vida. Yoga was fantastic! I worked up a sweat, I felt stronger, flowier, is that a word, and my body really attained an open state. On a few occasions listening to Kacey, tears began to flow down my cheeks. Some of her lyrics really know how to open the flood gates but I embraced it. Depression spells sadness but often times I find that crying or tearing, allowing emotions to run their course, is a huge help. Just try to move through them without staying too STUCK.
After transitioning out of a Yogic state, I snacked and watched a couple of episodes of Vanity Fair on the ole Amazon Prime. Just two as I don’t want to reinforce old habits in regards to online content consumption. My goal for the rest of the day was to keep OCCUPIED. It’s tough because as I stated in a previous post, you start to fear idleness. Depression loves you the most when it find you within the clutches of inactivity.
Amazon lead to a trip to Van Goh’s Ear Cafe in my town of Union, New Jersey. Not much to do here in terms of external diversions but this little spot is golden. The perfect place to, what do you know, Blog!!!!!
Before I end things I want to revisit the experience I had with meditation last night. Told you I’d get back to it. It’s quite simple. I lit a couple of candles, a stick of incense, and played a track titled sound meditation 2 by the artist Benjamin Lobst. It’s really quite intriguing as it’s composed of singing bowls and what sounds like rain sticks. Perfect for drowning out ambient noise like the gunshots that often travel straight up to my room via the episodes of Cartel novelas that my lovely parents are currently obsessed with. Thanks Netflix. Warning! If you sit crossed leg on your Yoga mat for the duration of the meditation session, you may experience tingling and a nagging desire to stretch your legs out. This is normal, trust me. You can sit in a chair or in any comfortable position you like if crossed legs on the floor proves to be problematic i.e, painful.
Any who, I sat and I simply attempted to breatheeeee. In through the nostrils, out through the nostrils. If you like, try to follow your breathes as they expand your abdomen and chest upon inhalation, and collapse them upon exhalation. Listen to the quality of your breathing. The goal should be deep, even breaths. Keep your spine as straight as possible as it helps in maintaining focus and a healthy spine, and keep your eyes closed or partly open. Smile if you can! It felt good although my mind fought as hard as it could to earn my attention. But that is perfectly ok too! It was only day one and in the beginning, as I’ve been told many times over, these distracting thoughts will be major pains in your ass. Let the thoughts right out of your little heads and get back to monitoring your breathing. I also recommend you don’t start off as over zealous as I did. Do it for five or ten minutes, hell, two if the prospect of half an hour seems too daunting. Any amount of time will benefit you. By meditation’s end my legs were screaming! But I completed the session and felt all the better for it. Did it help me sleep? No! But remember, it was my first night meditating again after months of nothing. It’s going to take a while but I’m committed to see it through.
So my friends, it’s about that time for me to close things out. That was my day in a nutshell and I hope this post inspires you to implement some of the tools that are slowly becoming a part of my arsenal. It was a good day considering where I’m starting from. My posts may take on a cliché’ aire at points but trust me, necessarily so. Day, by day, by day.
Have a beautiful night, hug your lovers, play with your kids, rest well, and sweet dreams……..
Your fellow depressed friend, but not for long,
“I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse”. Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye…….